Act II, Scene ii:
Rousillon. A room in the COUNTESS'S palace.

[Enter COUNTESS and CLOWN.]

COUNTESS:

Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of your

breeding.

CLOWN:

I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I know my

business is but to the court.

COUNTESS:

To the court! why, what place make you special, when you

put off that with such contempt? But to the court!

CLOWN:

Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he may

easily put it off at court: he that cannot make a leg, put off's

cap, kiss his hand, and say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip,

nor cap; and indeed such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for

the court; but for me, I have an answer will serve all men.

COUNTESS:

Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all questions.

CLOWN:

It is like a barber's chair, that fits all buttocks—the pin-

buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn-buttock, or any buttock.

COUNTESS:

Will your answer serve fit to all questions?

CLOWN:

As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney, as your

French crown for your taffety punk, as Tib's rush for Tom's

forefinger, as a pancake for Shrove-Tuesday, a morris for Mayday,

as the nail to his hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding

quean to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the friar's

mouth; nay, as the pudding to his skin.

COUNTESS:

Have you, I, say, an answer of such fitness for all questions?

CLOWN:

From below your duke to beneath your constable, it will fit any

question.

COUNTESS:

It must be an answer of most monstrous size that must fit all

demands.

CLOWN:

But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned should

speak truth of it: here it is, and all that belongs to't. Ask me

if I am a courtier: it shall do you no harm to learn.

COUNTESS:

To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in question,

hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I pray you, sir, are you a

courtier?

CLOWN:

O Lord, sir!—There's a simple putting off. More, more, a hundred

of them.

COUNTESS:

Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.

CLOWN:

O Lord, sir!—Thick, thick; spare not me.

COUNTESS:

I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.

CLOWN:

O Lord, sir!—Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.

COUNTESS:

You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.

CLOWN:

O Lord, sir!—Spare not me.

COUNTESS:

Do you cry 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and 'spare not me'?

Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very sequent to your whipping. You

would answer very well to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.

CLOWN:

I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my—'O Lord, sir!' I see

thing's may serve long, but not serve ever.

COUNTESS:

I play the noble housewife with the time, to entertain it so

merrily with a fool.

CLOWN:

O Lord, sir!—Why, there't serves well again.

COUNTESS:

An end, sir! To your business. Give Helen this,

And urge her to a present answer back:

Commend me to my kinsmen and my son:

This is not much.

CLOWN:

Not much commendation to them.

COUNTESS:

Not much employment for you: you understand me?

CLOWN:

Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs.

COUNTESS:

Haste you again.

[Exeunt severally.]