Act II, Scene ii: Rousillon. A room in the COUNTESS'S palace.
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[Enter COUNTESS and CLOWN.]
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of your | |
| | breeding. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I know my | |
| | business is but to the court. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | To the court! why, what place make you special, when you | |
| | put off that with such contempt? But to the court! | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he may | |
| | easily put it off at court: he that cannot make a leg, put off's | |
| | cap, kiss his hand, and say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip, | |
| | nor cap; and indeed such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for | |
| | the court; but for me, I have an answer will serve all men. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all questions. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | It is like a barber's chair, that fits all buttocks—the pin- | |
| | buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn-buttock, or any buttock. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | Will your answer serve fit to all questions? | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney, as your | |
| | French crown for your taffety punk, as Tib's rush for Tom's | |
| | forefinger, as a pancake for Shrove-Tuesday, a morris for Mayday, | |
| | as the nail to his hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding | |
| | quean to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the friar's | |
| | mouth; nay, as the pudding to his skin. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | Have you, I, say, an answer of such fitness for all questions? | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | From below your duke to beneath your constable, it will fit any | |
| | question. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | It must be an answer of most monstrous size that must fit all | |
| | demands. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned should | |
| | speak truth of it: here it is, and all that belongs to't. Ask me | |
| | if I am a courtier: it shall do you no harm to learn. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in question, | |
| | hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I pray you, sir, are you a | |
| | courtier? | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | O Lord, sir!—There's a simple putting off. More, more, a hundred | |
| | of them. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | O Lord, sir!—Thick, thick; spare not me. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | O Lord, sir!—Nay, put me to't, I warrant you. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | You were lately whipped, sir, as I think. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | O Lord, sir!—Spare not me. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | Do you cry 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and 'spare not me'? | |
| | Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very sequent to your whipping. You | |
| | would answer very well to a whipping, if you were but bound to't. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my—'O Lord, sir!' I see | |
| | thing's may serve long, but not serve ever. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | I play the noble housewife with the time, to entertain it so | |
| | merrily with a fool. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | O Lord, sir!—Why, there't serves well again. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | An end, sir! To your business. Give Helen this, | |
| | And urge her to a present answer back: | |
| | Commend me to my kinsmen and my son: | |
| | This is not much. | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | Not much commendation to them. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | Not much employment for you: you understand me? | |
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| | CLOWN: | |
| | Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs. | |
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| | COUNTESS: | |
| | Haste you again. | |
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