Act II, Scene i:
Rochester. An Inn-Yard.

[Enter a Carrier with a lantern in his hand.]

1. CAR.

Heigh-ho! an't be not four by the day, I'll be hang'd:

Charles' wain is over the new chimney, and yet our horse' not

pack'd.—What, ostler!

OST.:

[within.] Anon, anon.

1. CAR.

I pr'ythee, Tom, beat Cut's saddle, put a few flocks in the

point; the poor jade is wrung in the withers out of all cess.

[Enter another Carrier.]

2. CAR.

Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog, and that is the

next way to give poor jades the bots; this house is turned

upside down since Robin ostler died.

1. CAR.

Poor fellow! never joyed since the price of oats rose; it was

the death of him.

2. CAR.

I think this be the most villainous house in all London road

for fleas: I am stung like a tench.

1. CAR.

Like a tench! by the Mass, there is ne'er a king in Christendom

could be better bit than I have been since the first cock.—What,

ostler! come away and be hang'd; come away.

2. CAR.

I have a gammon of bacon and two razes of ginger, to be

delivered as far as Charing-cross.

1. CAR.

'Odsbody! the turkeys in my pannier are quite starved.—What,

ostler! A plague on thee! hast thou never an eye in thy head?

canst not hear? An 'twere not as good a deed as drink to break

the pate of thee, I am a very villain. Come, and be hang'd:

hast no faith in thee?

[Enter Gadshill.]

GADS.:

Good morrow, carriers. What's o'clock?

1. CAR.

I think it be two o'clock.

GADS.:

I pr'ythee, lend me thy lantern, to see my gelding in the

stable.

1. CAR.

Nay, soft, I pray ye; I know a trick worth two of that, i'faith.

GADS.:

I pr'ythee, lend me thine.

2. CAR.

Ay, when? canst tell? Lend me thy lantern, quoth a? marry, I'll

see thee hang'd first.

GADS.:

Sirrah carrier, what time do you mean to come to London?

2. CAR.

Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant thee.—

Come, neighbour Muggs, we'll call up the gentlemen: they will

along with company, for they have great charge.

[Exeunt Carriers.]

GADS.:

What, ho! chamberlain!

CHAM.:

[Within.] At hand, quoth pick-purse.

GADS.:

That's even as fair as—at hand, quoth the chamberlain; for

thou variest no more from picking of purses than giving

direction doth from labouring; thou lay'st the plot how.

[Enter Chamberlain.]

CHAM.:

Good morrow, Master Gadshill. It holds current that I told

you yesternight: there's a franklin in the wild of Kent hath

brought three hundred marks with him in gold: I heard him

tell it to one of his company last night at supper; a kind of

auditor; one that hath abundance of charge too, God knows what.

They are up already, and call for eggs and butter; they will away

presently.

GADS.:

Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas' clerks, I'll give

thee this neck.

CHAM.:

No, I'll none of it: I pr'ythee, keep that for the hangman; for

I know thou worshippest Saint Nicholas as truly as a man of

falsehood may.

GADS.:

What talkest thou to me of the hangman? if I hang, I'll make

a fat pair of gallows; for, if I hang, old Sir John hangs with

me, and thou know'st he is no starveling. Tut! there are other

Trojans that thou dreamest not of, the which, for sport-sake,

are content to do the profession some grace; that would, if

matters should be look'd into, for their own credit-sake, make

all whole. I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff

sixpenny strikers, none of these mad mustachio purple-hued

malt-worms; but with nobility and tranquillity, burgomasters and

great oneyers; such as can hold in, such as will strike sooner

than speak, and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner than

pray: and yet, zwounds, I lie; for they pray continually to their

saint, the Commonwealth; or, rather, not pray to her, but prey on

her, for they ride up and down on her, and make her their boots.

CHAM.:

What, the Commonwealth their boots? will she hold out water

in foul way?

GADS.:

She will, she will; justice hath liquor'd her. We steal as in a

castle, cock-sure; we have the receipt of fernseed,—we walk

invisible.

CHAM.:

Nay, by my faith, I think you are more beholding to the night

than to fern-seed for your walking invisible.

GADS.:

Give me thy hand: thou shalt have a share in our purchase, as

I am a true man.

CHAM.:

Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false thief.

GADS.:

Go to; homo is a common name to all men. Bid the ostler

bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell, you muddy knave.

[Exeunt.]