READ STUDY GUIDE: Act II, Scenes iii-iv |
|
Act II, Scene iv
| [Enter two Drawers.] |
| FIRST DRAWER.: |
| What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns? |
| thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john. |
| SECOND DRAWER.: |
| Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once set a dish of apple-johns |
| before him, and told him there were five more Sir Johns, and, putting |
| off his hat, said "I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, |
| old, withered knights." It angered him to the heart: but he hath |
| forgot that. |
| FIRST DRAWER.: |
| Why, then, cover, and set them down: and see if thou canst find out |
| Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some music. |
| Dispatch: The room where they supped is too hot; they'll come in |
| straight. |
| SECOND DRAWER.: |
| Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins anon; and they |
| will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John must |
| not know of it: Bardolph hath brought word. |
| FIRST DRAWER.: |
| By the mass, here will be old Utis: it will be an excellent |
| stratagem. |
| SECOND DRAWER.: |
| I'll see if I can find out Sneak. |
| [Exit.] |
| [Enter Hostess and Doll Tearsheet.] |
| HOSTESS.: |
| I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good |
| temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would |
| desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in |
| good truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and |
| that 's a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one |
| can say "What's this?" How do you now? |
| DOLL.: |
| Better than I was: hem! |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Why, that 's well said; a good heart's worth gold. Lo, here |
| comes Sir John. |
| [Enter Falstaff.] |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| [Singing] "When Arthur first in court"—Empty the jordan. |
| [Exit First Drawer.] — [Singing] "And was a worthy king." |
| How now, Mistress Doll! |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Sick of a calm; yea, good faith. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick. |
| DOLL.: |
| You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. |
| DOLL.: |
| I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, |
| Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor |
| virtue, grant that. |
| DOLL.: |
| Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| "Your brooches, pearls, and ouches:" for to serve bravely is to come |
| halting off, you know: to come off the breach with his pike bent |
| bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers |
| bravely,— |
| DOLL.: |
| Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself! |
| HOSTESS.: |
| By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet but you |
| fall to some discord: you are both, i' good truth, as rheumatic |
| as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's confirmities. |
| What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you: you are the |
| weaker vessel, as as they say, the emptier vessel. |
| DOLL.: |
| Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there's a whole |
| merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk |
| better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack: |
| thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or |
| no, there is nobody cares. |
| [Re-enter First Drawer.] |
| FIRST DRAWER.: |
| Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you. |
| DOLL.: |
| Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither: it is the |
| foul-mouthed'st rogue in England. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith; I must live |
| among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame |
| with the very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here: |
| I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now: shut the |
| door, I pray you. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Dost thou hear, hostess? |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no swaggerers here. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient swaggerer comes |
| not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty, t'other day; |
| and, as he said to me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, |
| "I' good faith, neighbour Quickly," says he; Master Dumbe, our |
| minister, was by then; "neighbour Quickly," says he, "receive those |
| that are civil; for" said he "you are in an ill name:" now a' said |
| so, I can tell whereupon; "for," says he, "you are an honest woman, |
| and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests you receive: |
| receive," says he, "no swaggering companions." There comes none here: |
| you would bless you to hear what he said: no, I'll no swaggerers. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith; you may stroke |
| him as gently as a puppy greyhound: he'll not swagger with a Barbary |
| hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call |
| him up, drawer. |
| [Exit First Drawer.] |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no |
| cheater: but I do not love swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, |
| when one says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I |
| warrant you. |
| DOLL.: |
| So you do, hostess. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen leaf: I |
| cannot abide swaggerers. |
| [Enter Pistol, Bardolph, and Page.] |
| PISTOL.: |
| God save you, Sir John! |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with |
| a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess. |
| PISTOL.: |
| I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll drink no |
| more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I. |
| PISTOL.: |
| Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you. |
| DOLL.: |
| Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, |
| base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy |
| rogue, away! |
| I am meat for your master. |
| PISTOL.: |
| I know you, Mistress Dorothy. |
| DOLL.: |
| Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! by this wine, |
| I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy |
| cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale |
| juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's light, with two |
| points on your shoulder? much! |
| PISTOL.: |
| God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here: |
| discharge yourself of our company, Pistol. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain. |
| DOLL.: |
| Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed |
| to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would |
| truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you |
| have earned them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for tearing |
| a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him, |
| rogue! he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A |
| captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as odious |
| as the word "occupy;" which was an excellent good word before it |
| was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to't. |
| BARDOLPH.: |
| Pray thee, go down, good ancient. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll. |
| PISTOL.: |
| Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear |
| her: I'll be revenged of her. |
| PAGE.: |
| Pray thee go down. |
| PISTOL.: |
| I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake, by this |
| hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile also. |
| Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! |
| Have we not Hiren here? |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i' faith: I |
| beseek you now, aggravate your choler. |
| PISTOL.: |
| These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses |
| And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia, |
| Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day, |
| Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals, |
| And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with |
| King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar. |
| Shall we fall foul for toys? |
| HOSTESS.: |
| By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words. |
| BARDOLPH.: |
| Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to a brawl anon. |
| PISTOL.: |
| Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren |
| here? |
| HOSTESS.: |
| O' my word, captain, there 's none such here. What the |
| good-year! do you think I would deny her? For God's sake, be |
| quiet. |
| PISTOL.: |
| Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis. |
| Come, give 's some sack. |
| "Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento." |
| Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire: |
| Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there. |
| [Laying down his sword.] |
| Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothing? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Pistol, I would be quiet. |
| PISTOL.: |
| Sweet knight, I kiss thy neif: what! we have seen the seven |
| stars. |
| DOLL.: |
| For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot endure such a |
| fustian rascal. |
| PISTOL.: |
| Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling: |
| nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing, a' shall be nothing |
| here. |
| BARDOLPH.: |
| Come, get you down stairs. |
| PISTOL.: |
| What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue? |
| [Snatching up his sword.] |
| Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days! |
| Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds |
| Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say! |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Here's goodly stuff toward! |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Give me my rapier, boy. |
| DOLL.: |
| I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Get you down stairs. |
| [Drawing, and driving Pistol out.] |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house, afore |
| I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant now. |
| Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons. |
| [Exeunt Pistol and Bardolph.] |
| DOLL.: |
| I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you whoreson |
| little valiant villain, you! |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Are you not hurt i' the groin? methought a' made a shrewd |
| thrust at your belly. |
| [Re-enter Bardolph.] |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Have you turned him out o' doors? |
| BARDOLPH.: |
| Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt him, sir, i' |
| the shoulder. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| A rascal! to brave me! |
| DOLL.: |
| Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou |
| sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face; come on, you whoreson chops: |
| ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector |
| of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the Nine |
| Worthies: ah, villain! |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket. |
| DOLL.: |
| Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost, I'll canvass |
| thee between a pair of sheets. |
| [Enter Music.] |
| PAGE.: |
| The music is come, sir. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal |
| bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver. |
| DOLL.: |
| I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church. Thou whoreson |
| little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting |
| o' days and foining o' nights, and begin to patch up thine old body |
| for heaven? |
| [Enter, behind, Prince Henry and Poins, disguised as drawers.] |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head; do |
| not bid me remember mine end. |
| DOLL.: |
| Sirrah, what humour 's the prince of? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| A good shallow young fellow: 'a would have made a good |
| pantler; a' would ha' chipped bread well. |
| DOLL.: |
| They say Poins has a good wit. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| He a good wit! hang him, baboon! his wit's as thick as |
| Tewksbury mustard; there 's no more conceit in him than is in a |
| mallet. |
| DOLL.: |
| Why does the prince love him so, then? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a' plays at quoits |
| well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off candles' ends for |
| flap-dragons, and rides the wild-mare with the boys, and jumps upon |
| joined-stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears his boots very |
| smooth, like unto the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate with telling |
| of discreet stories; and such other gambol faculties a' has, that show |
| a weak mind and an able body, for the which the prince admits him: for |
| the prince himself is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the |
| scales between their avoirdupois. |
| PRINCE.: |
| Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? |
| POINS.: |
| Let 's beat him before his whore. |
| PRINCE.: |
| Look, whether the withered elder hath not his poll clawed |
| like a parrot. |
| POINS.: |
| Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive |
| performance? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Kiss me, Doll. |
| PRINCE.: |
| Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what says the |
| almanac to that? |
| POINS.: |
| And, look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not lisping |
| to his master's old tables, his note-book, his counsel-keeper. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Thou dost give me flattering busses. |
| DOLL.: |
| By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| I am old, I am old. |
| DOLL.: |
| I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of |
| them all. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money o' |
| Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come: it |
| grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me when I am gone. |
| DOLL.: |
| By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou sayest so: |
| prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return: well, |
| hearken at the end. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Some sack, Francis. |
| PRINCE & POINS. |
| Anon, anon, sir. |
| [Coming forward.] |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art thou not Poins |
| his brother? |
| PRINCE.: |
| Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou lead! |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer. |
| PRINCE.: |
| Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| O, the Lord preserve thy grace! by my troth, welcome to |
| London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O Jesu, |
| are you come from Wales? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light |
| flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome. |
| DOLL.: |
| How, you fat fool! I scorn you. |
| POINS.: |
| My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn all |
| to a merriment, if you take not the heat. |
| PRINCE.: |
| You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak of |
| me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman! |
| HOSTESS.: |
| God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, by my troth. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Didst thou hear me? |
| PRINCE.: |
| Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by |
| Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose |
| to try my patience. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing. |
| PRINCE.: |
| I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse; and then I |
| know how to handle you. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse. |
| PRINCE.: |
| Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and bread-chipper and I |
| know not what! |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| No abuse, Hal. |
| POINS.: |
| No abuse! |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none. I dispraised him before |
| the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love with him; in which |
| doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, |
| and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal: none, |
| Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none. |
| PRINCE.: |
| See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee |
| wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked? |
| is thine hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the wicked? |
| or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked? |
| POINS.: |
| Answer, thou dead elm, answer. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable; and his |
| face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast |
| malt-worms. |
| For the boy, there is a good angel about him; but the devil |
| outbids him too. |
| PRINCE.: |
| For the women? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns poor souls. |
| For the other, I owe her money; and whether she be damned for |
| that, I know not. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| No, I warrant you. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there |
| is another indictment upon thee, for suffering flesh to be eaten in |
| thy house, contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| All victuallers do so: what 's a joint of mutton or two in a |
| whole Lent? |
| PRINCE.: |
| You, gentlewoman,— |
| DOLL.: |
| What says your grace? |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| His grace says that which his flesh rebels against. |
| [Knocking within.] |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the door there, Francis. |
| [Enter Peto.] |
| PRINCE.: |
| Peto, how now! what news? |
| PETO.: |
| The king your father is at Westminster; |
| And there are twenty weak and wearied posts |
| Come from the north: and, as I came along, |
| I met and overtook a dozen captains, |
| Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns, |
| And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff. |
| PRINCE.: |
| By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame, |
| So idly to profane the precious time, |
| When tempest of commotion, like the south |
| Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt |
| And drop upon our bare unarmed heads. |
| Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night. |
| [Exeunt Prince, Poins, Peto, and Bardolph.] |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must |
| hence, and leave it unpicked. |
| [Knocking within.] More knocking at the door! |
| [Re-enter Bardolph.] |
| How now! what's the matter? |
| BARDOLPH.: |
| You must away to court, sir, presently; |
| A dozen captains stay at door for you. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| [To the Page] . |
| Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess; farewell, Doll. |
| You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after: |
| the undeserver may sleep, when the man of action is called on. |
| Farewell, good wenches: if I be not sent away post, I will see |
| you again ere I go. |
| DOLL.: |
| I cannot speak; if my heart be not ready to burst,—well, sweet |
| Jack, have a care of thyself. |
| FALSTAFF.: |
| Farewell, farewell. |
| [Exeunt Falstaff and Bardolph.] |
| HOSTESS.: |
| Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these twenty-nine years, |
| come peascod-time; but an honester and truer-hearted man,—— |
| well, fare thee well. |
| BARDOLPH.: |
| [Within.] Mistress Tearsheet! |
| HOSTESS.: |
| What's the matter? |
| BARDOLPH.: |
| [Within.] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master. |
| HOSTESS.: |
| O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come.[She comes blubbered.] |
| Yea, will you come, Doll? |
| [Exeunt.] |
|
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