Act IV, Scene v:
A room in the Garter Inn.

[Enter HOST and SIMPLE.]

HOST:

What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin?

Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

SIMPLE:

Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff

from Master Slender.

HOST:

There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his

standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the

story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go knock and call; he'll

speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee; knock, I say.

SIMPLE:

There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into

his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down;

I come to speak with her, indeed.

HOST:

Ha! a fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I'll call.

Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs

military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian,

calls.

FALSTAFF:

[Above] How now, mine host?

HOST:

Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of

thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend;

my chambers are honourible. Fie! privacy? fie!

[Enter FALSTAFF.]

FALSTAFF:

There was, mine host, an old fat woman even

now with, me; but she's gone.

SIMPLE:

Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of Brainford?

FALSTAFF:

Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?

SIMPLE:

My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,

seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one

Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.

FALSTAFF:

I spake with the old woman about it.

SIMPLE:

And what says she, I pray, sir?

FALSTAFF:

Marry, she says that the very same man that

beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.

SIMPLE:

I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had

other things to have spoken with her too, from him.

FALSTAFF:

What are they? Let us know.

HOST:

Ay, come; quick.

SIMPLE:

I may not conceal them, sir.

FALSTAFF:

Conceal them, or thou diest.

SIMPLE:

Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page: to

know if it were my master's fortune to have her or no.

FALSTAFF:

'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

SIMPLE:

What sir?

FALSTAFF:

To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.

SIMPLE:

May I be bold to say so, sir?

FALSTAFF:

Ay, Sir Tike; like who more bold?

SIMPLE:

I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad

with these tidings.

[Exit.]

HOST:

Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was

there a wise woman with thee?

FALSTAFF:

Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath

taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;

and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my

learning.

[Enter BARDOLPH.]

BARDOLPH:

Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!

HOST:

Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.

BARDOLPH:

Run away, with the cozeners; for so soon as I

came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of

them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like

three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

HOST:

They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not

say they be fled; Germans are honest men.

[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS.]

EVANS:

Where is mine host?

HOST:

What is the matter, sir?

EVANS:

Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend

of mine come to town tells me there is three

cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readins,

of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for

good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and

vlouting-stogs, and 'tis not convenient you should be

cozened. Fare you well.

[Exit.]

[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.]

CAIUS:

Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

HOST:

Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

CAIUS:

I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you

make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my

trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I

tell you for good will: Adieu.

[Exit.]

HOST:

Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am

undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone!

[Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH.]

FALSTAFF:

I would all the world might be cozened, for I have

been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear

of the court how I have been transformed, and how my

transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they

would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor

fishermen's boots with me; I warrant they would whip me

with their fine wits till I were as crest-fallen as a dried pear.

I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well,

if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I

would repent.

[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.]

Now! whence come you?

QUICKLY:

From the two parties, forsooth.

FALSTAFF:

The devil take one party and his dam the other!

And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more

for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of

man's disposition is able to bear.

QUICKLY:

And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;

speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten

black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

FALSTAFF:

What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was

beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and

was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But

that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the

action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable

had set me i' the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.

QUICKLY:

Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you

shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content.

Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado

here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not

serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.

FALSTAFF:

Come up into my chamber.

[Exeunt.]