Act I, Scene i:
Windsor. Before PAGE'S house.

[Enter JUSTICE SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS.]

SHALLOW:

Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star

Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs,

he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.

SLENDER:

In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and

'coram.'

SHALLOW:

Ay, cousin Slender, and 'cust-alorum.'

SLENDER:

Ay, and 'rato-lorum 'too; and a gentleman born,

Master Parson, who writes himself 'armigero' in any bill,

warrant, quittance, or obligation—'armigero.'

SHALLOW:

Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three

hundred years.

SLENDER:

All his successors, gone before him, hath done't;

and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may

give the dozen white luces in their coat.

SHALLOW:

It is an old coat.

EVANS:

The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;

it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and

signifies love.

SHALLOW:

The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old

coat.

SLENDER:

I may quarter, coz?

SHALLOW:

You may, by marrying.

EVANS:

It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

SHALLOW:

Not a whit.

EVANS:

Yes, py'r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there

is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures;

but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed

disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be

glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements and

compremises between you.

SHALLOW:

The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.

EVANS:

It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no

fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire

to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your

vizaments in that.

SHALLOW:

Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword

should end it.

EVANS:

It is petter that friends is the sword and end it;

and there is also another device in my prain, which

peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne

Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is

pretty virginity.

SLENDER:

Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and

speaks small like a woman.

EVANS:

It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you

will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and

gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed—Got

deliver to a joyful resurrections!—give, when she is able to

overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we

leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage

between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.

SHALLOW:

Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?

EVANS:

Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.

SHALLOW:

I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.

EVANS:

Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.

SHALLOW:

Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?

EVANS:

Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do

despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not

true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be

ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master

Page.[Knocks.]What, hoa! Got pless your house here!

PAGE:

[Within.] Who's there?

EVANS:

Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice

Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures

shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your

likings.

[Enter PAGE.]

PAGE:

I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for

my venison, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW:

Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do

it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill

killed. How doth good Mistress Page?—and I thank you

always with my heart, la! with my heart.

PAGE:

Sir, I thank you.

SHALLOW:

Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.

PAGE:

I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

SLENDER:

How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say

he was outrun on Cotsall.

PAGE:

It could not be judged, sir.

SLENDER:

You'll not confess, you'll not confess.

SHALLOW:

That he will not: 'tis your fault; 'tis your fault.

'Tis a good dog.

PAGE:

A cur, sir.

SHALLOW:

Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog; can there be

more said? he is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?

PAGE:

Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office

between you.

EVANS:

It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

SHALLOW:

He hath wronged me, Master Page.

PAGE:

Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.

SHALLOW:

If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that

so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath;—at a

word, he hath,—believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith

he is wronged.

PAGE:

Here comes Sir John.

[Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL.]

FALSTAFF:

Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the King?

SHALLOW:

Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer,

and broke open my lodge.

FALSTAFF:

But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter?

SHALLOW:

Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.

FALSTAFF:

I will answer it straight: I have done all this.

That is now answered.

SHALLOW:

The Council shall know this.

FALSTAFF:

'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:

you'll be laughed at.

EVANS:

Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.

FALSTAFF:

Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your

head; what matter have you against me?

SLENDER:

Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;

and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym,

and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me

drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.

BARDOLPH:

You Banbury cheese!

SLENDER:

Ay, it is no matter.

PISTOL:

How now, Mephostophilus!

SLENDER:

Ay, it is no matter.

NYM:

Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That's my humour.

SLENDER:

Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

EVANS:

Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is

three umpires in this matter, as I understand: that is—

Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself,

fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and

finally, mine host of the Garter.

PAGE:

We three to hear it and end it between them.

EVANS:

Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book;

and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great

discreetly as we can.

FALSTAFF:

Pistol!

PISTOL:

He hears with ears.

EVANS:

The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He hears

with ear'? Why, it is affectations.

FALSTAFF:

Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?

SLENDER:

Ay, by these gloves, did he—or I would I might

never come in mine own great chamber again else!—of

seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward

shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece

of Yead Miller, by these gloves.

FALSTAFF:

Is this true, Pistol?

EVANS:

No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.

PISTOL:

Ha, thou mountain-foreigner!—Sir John and master mine,

I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.

Word of denial in thy labras here!

Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.

SLENDER:

By these gloves, then, 'twas he.

NYM:

Be avised, sir, and pass good humours; I will say

'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on

me; that is the very note of it.

SLENDER:

By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for

though I cannot remember what I did when you made me

drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.

FALSTAFF:

What say you, Scarlet and John?

BARDOLPH:

Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had

drunk himself out of his five sentences.

EVANS:

It is his 'five senses'; fie, what the ignorance is!

BARDOLPH:

And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd;

and so conclusions passed the careires.

SLENDER:

Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter;

I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest,

civil, godly company, for this trick; if I be drunk, I'll be

drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with

drunken knaves.

EVANS:

So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.

FALSTAFF:

You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you

hear it.

[Enter ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE.]

PAGE:

Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.

[Exit ANNE PAGE.]

SLENDER:

O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.

PAGE:

How now, Mistress Ford!

FALSTAFF:

Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well

met; by your leave, good mistress.[Kissing her.]

PAGE:

Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a

hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we

shall drink down all unkindness.

[Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS.]

SLENDER:

I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of

Songs and Sonnets here.

[Enter SIMPLE.]

How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on

myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you,

have you?

SIMPLE:

Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice

Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore

Michaelmas?

SHALLOW:

Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word

with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a

tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here: do

you understand me?

SLENDER:

Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I

shall do that that is reason.

SHALLOW:

Nay, but understand me.

SLENDER:

So I do, sir.

EVANS:

Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will

description the matter to you, if you pe capacity of it.

SLENDER:

Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray

you pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country,

simple though I stand here.

EVANS:

But that is not the question; the question is

concerning your marriage.

SHALLOW:

Ay, there's the point, sir.

EVANS:

Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne

Page.

SLENDER:

Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any

reasonable demands.

EVANS:

But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to

know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers

hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth: therefore,

precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?

SHALLOW:

Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

SLENDER:

I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that

would do reason.

EVANS:

Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable,

if you can carry her your desires towards her.

SHALLOW:

That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?

SLENDER:

I will do a greater thing than that upon your request,

cousin, in any reason.

SHALLOW:

I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?

SLENDER:

I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there

be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease

it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and

have more occasion to know one another; I hope upon

familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say

'Marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved,

and dissolutely.

EVANS:

It is a fery discretion answer; save, the fall is in the

ort 'dissolutely': the ort is, according to our meaning,

'resolutely'. His meaning is good.

SHALLOW

Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

SLENDER:

Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

SHALLOW:

Here comes fair Mistress Anne.

[Re-enter ANNE PAGE.]

Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!

ANNE:

The dinner is on the table; my father desires your

worships' company.

SHALLOW:

I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne!

EVANS:

Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.

[Exeunt SHALLOW and EVANS.]

ANNE:

Will't please your worship to come in, sir?

SLENDER:

No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.

ANNE:

The dinner attends you, sir.

SLENDER:

I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,

sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin

Shallow.

[Exit SIMPLE.]

A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his

friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet,

till my mother be dead. But what though?

Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.

ANNE:

I may not go in without your worship: they will not

sit till you come.

SLENDER:

I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as

though I did.

ANNE:

I pray you, sir, walk in.

SLENDER:

I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my

shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with

a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed

prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot

meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i' the

town?

ANNE:

I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.

SLENDER:

I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at

it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the

bear loose, are you not?

ANNE:

Ay, indeed, sir.

SLENDER:

That's meat and drink to me now. I have seen

Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the

chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and

shrieked at it that it passed; but women, indeed, cannot

abide 'em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.

[Re-enter PAGE.]

PAGE:

Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.

SLENDER:

I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

PAGE:

By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.

SLENDER:

Nay, pray you lead the way.

PAGE:

Come on, sir.

SLENDER:

Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

ANNE:

Not I, sir; pray you keep on.

SLENDER:

Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do

you that wrong.

ANNE:

I pray you, sir.

SLENDER:

I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You

do yourself wrong indeed, la!

[Exeunt.]