READ STUDY GUIDE: Act II, Scenes ii-iii |
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Act II, Scene ii:
A room in the Garter Inn.
A room in the Garter Inn.
| [Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL.] |
| FALSTAFF: |
| I will not lend thee a penny. |
| PISTOL: |
| Why then, the world's mine oyster, |
| Which I with sword will open. |
| I will retort the sum in equipage. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should |
| lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good |
| friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, |
| Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a |
| geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to |
| gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; |
| and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, |
| I took 't upon mine honour thou hadst it not. |
| PISTOL: |
| Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence? |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I'll |
| endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, |
| I am no gibbet for you: go: a short knife and a throng!— |
| to your manor of Picht-hatch! go. You'll not bear a letter |
| for me, you rogue!—you stand upon your honour!—Why, |
| thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to |
| keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself |
| sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding |
| mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, |
| and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, |
| your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and |
| your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! |
| You will not do it, you! |
| PISTOL: |
| I do relent; what wouldst thou more of man? |
| [Enter ROBIN.] |
| ROBIN: |
| Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Let her approach. |
| [Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.] |
| QUICKLY: |
| Give your worship good morrow. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Good morrow, good wife. |
| QUICKLY: |
| Not so, an't please your worship. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Good maid, then. |
| QUICKLY: |
| I'll be sworn; |
| As my mother was, the first hour I was born. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| I do believe the swearer. What with me? |
| QUICKLY: |
| Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe |
| thee the hearing. |
| QUICKLY: |
| There is one Mistress Ford, sir,—I pray, come a little |
| nearer this ways:—I myself dwell with Master Doctor |
| Caius. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,— |
| QUICKLY: |
| Your worship says very true;—I pray your worship |
| come a little nearer this ways. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| I warrant thee nobody hears—mine own people, |
| mine own people. |
| QUICKLY: |
| Are they so? God bless them, and make them his servants! |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Well: Mistress Ford, what of her? |
| QUICKLY: |
| Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord! your |
| worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of |
| us, I pray. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford— |
| QUICKLY: |
| Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You |
| have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful: |
| the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, |
| could never have brought her to such a canary; yet |
| there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with |
| their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after |
| letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly,—all musk, and so |
| rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant |
| terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the |
| fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and I |
| warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. |
| I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I |
| defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the |
| way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get |
| her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; |
| and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, |
| pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury. |
| QUICKLY: |
| Marry, she hath received your letter; for the |
| which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you |
| to notify that her husband will be absence from his house |
| between ten and eleven. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Ten and eleven? |
| QUICKLY: |
| Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see |
| the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her |
| husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads |
| an ill life with him; he's a very jealousy man; she leads a |
| very frampold life with him, good heart. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I |
| will not fail her. |
| QUICKLY: |
| Why, you say well. But I have another messenger |
| to your worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations |
| to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she's as |
| fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will |
| not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in |
| Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bade me tell your |
| worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she |
| hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so |
| dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! yes, |
| in truth. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my |
| good parts aside, I have no other charms. |
| QUICKLY: |
| Blessing on your heart for 't! |
| FALSTAFF: |
| But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and |
| Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me? |
| QUICKLY: |
| That were a jest indeed! They have not so little |
| grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page |
| would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: |
| her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; |
| and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in |
| Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, |
| say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she |
| list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she |
| deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she |
| is one. You must send her your page; no remedy. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Why, I will. |
| QUICKLY: |
| Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come |
| and go between you both; and in any case have a |
| nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy |
| never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that |
| children should know any wickedness: old folks, you |
| know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Fare thee well; commend me to them both. |
| There's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with |
| this woman.— |
| [Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN.] |
| This news distracts me. |
| PISTOL: |
| This punk is one of Cupid's carriers; |
| Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights; |
| Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! |
| [Exit.] |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make |
| more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look |
| after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, |
| be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say |
| 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter. |
| [Enter BARDOLPH, with a cup of sack.] |
| BARDOLPH: |
| Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would |
| fain speak with you and be acquainted with you: and hath |
| sent your worship a moming's draught of sack. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Brook is his name? |
| BARDOLPH: |
| Ay, sir. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Call him in.[Exit BARDOLPH.]Such Brooks are |
| welcome to me, that o'erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress |
| Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to; |
| via! |
| [Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised.] |
| FORD: |
| Bless you, sir! |
| FALSTAFF: |
| And you, sir; would you speak with me? |
| FORD: |
| I make bold to press with so little preparation upon |
| you. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| You're welcome. What's your will?—Give us leave, |
| drawer. |
| [Exit BARDOLPH.] |
| FORD: |
| Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name |
| is Brook. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance |
| of you. |
| FORD: |
| Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I |
| must let you understand I think myself in better plight for |
| a lender than you are: the which hath something |
| embold'ned me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if |
| money go before, all ways do lie open. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. |
| FORD: |
| Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if |
| you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, |
| for easing me of the carriage. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. |
| FORD: |
| I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be |
| your servant. |
| FORD: |
| Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be brief with you, |
| and you have been a man long known to me, though I |
| had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted |
| with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein |
| I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, |
| good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you |
| hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your |
| own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you |
| yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Very well, sir; proceed. |
| FORD: |
| There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's |
| name is Ford. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Well, sir. |
| FORD: |
| I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed |
| much on her; followed her with a doting observance; |
| engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion |
| that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not |
| only bought many presents to give her, but have given |
| largely to many to know what she would have given; |
| briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which |
| hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I |
| have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I |
| am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel; |
| that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath |
| taught me to say this, |
| Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; |
| Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? |
| FORD: |
| Never. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Have you importuned her to such a purpose? |
| FORD: |
| Never. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Of what quality was your love, then? |
| FORD: |
| Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so |
| that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where |
| erected it. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? |
| FORD: |
| When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some |
| say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other |
| places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd |
| construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart |
| of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent |
| breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in |
| your place and person, generally allowed for your many |
| war-like, court-like, and learned preparations. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| O, sir! |
| FORD: |
| Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, |
| spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so |
| much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable |
| siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of |
| wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you |
| may as soon as any. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Would it apply well to the vehemency of your |
| affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? |
| Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. |
| FORD: |
| O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the |
| excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares |
| not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against. |
| Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, |
| my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; |
| I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, |
| her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her |
| defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against |
| me. What say you to't, Sir John? |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Master Brook, I will first make bold with your |
| money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, |
| you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife. |
| FORD: |
| O good sir! |
| FALSTAFF: |
| I say you shall. |
| FORD: |
| Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall |
| want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own |
| appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant or |
| go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between |
| ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally |
| knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at |
| night; you shall know how I speed. |
| FORD: |
| I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir? |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him |
| not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the |
| jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which |
| his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the |
| key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home. |
| FORD: |
| I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him |
| if you saw him. |
| FALSTAFF: |
| Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will |
| stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel; |
| it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master |
| Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the |
| peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at |
| night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, |
| Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. |
| Come to me soon at night. |
| [Exit.] |
| FORD: |
| What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is |
| ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident |
| jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; |
| the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See |
| the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, |
| my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall |
| not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the |
| adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me |
| this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, |
| well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the names |
| of fiends. But Cuckold! Wittol!—Cuckold! the devil himself |
| hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust |
| his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming |
| with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my |
| cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to |
| walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then |
| she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what |
| they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break |
| their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my |
| jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect |
| my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. |
| I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute |
| too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! |
| [Exit.] |
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