Act III, Scene iii:
A Street.

[Enter Dogberry and Verges, with the Watch.]

Dogb. :

Are you good men and true?

Verg. :

Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation,

body and soul.

Dogb. :

Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they should

have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the prince's watch.

Verg. :

Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.

Dogb. :

First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?

1. Watch.

Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal; for they can write

and read.

Dogb. :

Come hither, neighbour Seacoal: God hath blessed you with a

good name: to be a well-favoured man is the gift of fortune; but

to write and read comes by nature.

2. Watch.

Both which, Master Constable,—

Dogb. :

You have; I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your

favour, sir, why, give God thanks and make no boast of it; and

for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no

need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most

senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore

bear you the lantern. This is your charge: You shall comprehend

all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the prince's

name.

2. Watch.

How if a will not stand?

Dogb. :

Why then, take no note of him, but let him go; and presently

call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of

a knave.

Verg. :

If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the

prince's subjects.

Dogb. :

True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince's

subjects:—You shall also make no noise in the streets; for, for

the watch to babble and talk, is most tolerable and not to be

endured.

2. Watch.

We will rather sleep than talk; we know what belongs to

a watch.

Dogb. :

Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman; for I

cannot see how sleeping should offend: only, have a care that

your bills be not stolen:—Well, you are to call at all the

ale-houses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.

2. Watch.

How if they will not?

Dogb. :

Why then, let them alone till they are sober; if they make you

not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you

took them for.

2. Watch.

Well, sir.

Dogb. :

If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your

office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less

you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.

2. Watch.

If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on

him?

Dogb. :

Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they that touch

pitch will be defiled: The most peaceable way for you, if you do

take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is, and steal

out of your company.

Verg. :

You have been always called a merciful man, partner.

Dogb. :

Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will; much more a man who

hath any honesty in him.

Verg. :

If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the

nurse, and bid her still it.

2. Watch.

How if the nurse be asleep, and will not hear us?

Dogb. :

Why then, depart in peace, and let the child wake her with

crying: for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baes will

never answer a calf when he bleats.

Verg. :

'T is very true.

Dogb. :

This is the end of the charge. You, constable, are to present

the prince's own person; if you meet the prince in the night,

you may stay him.

Verg. :

Nay, by'r lady, that, I think, a cannot.

Dogb. :

Five shillings to one on't, with any man that knows the

statutes, he may stay him! marry, not without the prince be

willing: for, indeed, the watch ought to offend no man; and it

is an offence to stay a man against his will.

Verg. :

By'r lady, I think it be so.

Dogb. :

Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night an there be any matter

of weight chances, call up me: keep your fellows' counsels and

your own, and good night.—Come, neighbour.

2. Watch.

Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here

upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.

Dogb. :

One word more, honest neighbours: I pray you, watch about

signior Leonato's door; for the wedding being there to-morrow,

there is a great coil to-night: Adieu, be vigitant, I beseech

you.

[Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.]

[Enter Borachio and Conrade.]

Bora. :

What! Conrade,—

Watch. :

Peace! stir not.[Aside.]

Bora. :

Conrade, I say!

Con. :

Here, man, I am at thy elbow.

Bora. :

Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a scab follow.

Con. :

I will owe thee an answer for that; and now forward with thy

tale.

Bora. :

Stand thee close then under this penthouse, for it drizzles

rain; and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.

Watch. :

[aside.] Some treason, masters; yet stand close.

Bora. :

Therefore know, I have earned of don John a thousand ducats.

Con. :

Is it possible that any villany should be so dear?

Bora. :

Thou shouldst rather ask, if it were possible any villany

should be so rich; for when rich villains have need of poor ones,

poor ones may make what price they will.

Con. :

I wonder at it.

Bora. :

That shows thou art unconfirmed: Thou knowest, that the

fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.

Con. :

Yes, it is apparel.

Bora. :

I mean, the fashion.

Con. :

Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

Bora. :

Tush! I may as well say, the fool's the fool. But seest thou

not what a deformed thief this fashion is?

Watch. :

I know that Deformed; a has been a vile thief

this seven year; a goes up and down like a gentleman: I remember

his name.

Bora. :

Didst thou not hear somebody?

Con. :

No; 't was the vane on the house.

Bora. :

Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is?

how giddily he turns about all the hot-bloods, between fourteen

and five-and-thirty? sometime, fashioning them like Pharaoh's

soldiers in the reechy painting; sometime, like god Bel's priests

in the old church window; sometime, like the shaven Hercules in

the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as

massy as his club?

Con. :

All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears out more

apparel than the man: But art not thou thyself giddy with the

fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling

me of the fashion?

Bora. :

Not so neither: but know, that I have to-night wooed Margaret,

the Lady Hero's gentlewoman, by the name of Hero; she leans me

out at her mistress' chamber-window, bids me a thousand times

good night,—I tell this tale vilely:—I should first tell thee

how

the prince, Claudio, and my master, planted, and placed, and

possessed by my master don John, saw afar off in the orchard this

amiable encounter.

Con. :

And thought they Margaret was Hero?

Bora. :

Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the devil my

master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which

first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive

them, but chiefly by my villany, which did confirm any slander

that don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore he would

meet her, as he was appointed, next morning at the temple, and

there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw

o'er-night and send her home again without a husband.

1 Watch.

We charge you in the prince's name, stand.

2 Watch.

Call up the right master constable: we have here recovered the

most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the

commonwealth.

1 Watch.

And one Deformed is one of them; I know him, a wears a

lock.

Con. :

Masters, masters.

2 Watch.

You'll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.

Con. :

Masters,—

1 Watch.

Never speak; we charge you, let us obey you to go with

us.

Bora. :

We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of

these men's bills.

Con. :

A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we'll obey you.