Act II, Scene iii:
The Grecian camp. Before the tent of ACHILLES

[Enter THERSITES, solus.]

THERSITES.:

How now, Thersites! What, lost in the labyrinth of thy

fury? Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He beats me, and I

rail at him. O worthy satisfaction! Would it were otherwise: that

I could beat him, whilst he rail'd at me! 'Sfoot, I'll learn to

conjure and raise devils, but I'll see some issue of my spiteful

execrations. Then there's Achilles, a rare engineer! If Troy be

not taken till these two undermine it, the walls will stand till

they fall of themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus,

forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods, and, Mercury, lose

all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that

little little less-than-little wit from them that they have!

which short-arm'd ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce,

it will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider without

drawing their massy irons and cutting the web. After this, the

vengeance on the whole camp! or, rather, the Neapolitan

bone-ache! for that, methinks, is the curse depending on those

that war for a placket. I have said my prayers; and devil Envy

say 'Amen.' What ho! my Lord Achilles!

[Enter PATROCLUS.]

PATROCLUS.:

Who's there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and rail.

THERSITES.:

If I could 'a rememb'red a gilt counterfeit, thou

wouldst not have slipp'd out of my contemplation; but it is no

matter; thyself upon thyself! The common curse of mankind, folly

and ignorance, be thine in great revenue! Heaven bless thee from

a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy

direction till thy death. Then if she that lays thee out says

thou art a fair corse, I'll be sworn and sworn upon't she never

shrouded any but lazars. Amen. Where's Achilles?

PATROCLUS.:

What, art thou devout? Wast thou in prayer?

THERSITES.:

Ay, the heavens hear me!

PATROCLUS.:

Amen.

[Enter ACHILLES.]

ACHILLES.:

Who's there?

PATROCLUS.:

Thersites, my lord.

ACHILLES.:

Where, where? O, where? Art thou come? Why, my cheese, my

digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so

many meals? Come, what's Agamemnon?

THERSITES.:

Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus, what's

Achilles?

PATROCLUS.:

Thy lord, Thersites. Then tell me, I pray thee, what's

Thersites?

THERSITES.:

Thy knower, Patroclus. Then tell me, Patroclus, what art

thou?

PATROCLUS.:

Thou must tell that knowest.

ACHILLES.:

O, tell, tell,

THERSITES.:

I'll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands

Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus' knower; and

Patroclus is a fool.

PATROCLUS.:

You rascal!

THERSITES.:

Peace, fool! I have not done.

ACHILLES.:

He is a privileg'd man. Proceed, Thersites.

THERSITES.:

Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a

fool; and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.

ACHILLES.:

Derive this; come.

THERSITES.:

Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles; Achilles is a

fool to be commanded of Agamemnon; Thersites is a fool to serve

such a fool; and this Patroclus is a fool positive.

PATROCLUS.:

Why am I a fool?

THERSITES.:

Make that demand of the Creator. It suffices me thou

art. Look you, who comes here?

ACHILLES.:

Come, Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody. Come in with me,

Thersites.

[Exit.]

THERSITES.:

Here is such patchery, such juggling, and such knavery.

All the argument is a whore and a cuckold-a good quarrel to draw

emulous factions and bleed to death upon. Now the dry serpigo on

the subject, and war and lechery confound all! Exit

[Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, AJAX, and CALCHAS.]

AGAMEMNON.:

Where is Achilles?

PATROCLUS.:

Within his tent; but ill-dispos'd, my lord.

AGAMEMNON.:

Let it be known to him that we are here.

He shent our messengers; and we lay by

Our appertainings, visiting of him.

Let him be told so; lest, perchance, he think

We dare not move the question of our place

Or know not what we are.

PATROCLUS.:

I shall say so to him.

[Exit.]

ULYSSES.:

We saw him at the opening of his tent.

He is not sick.

AJAX.:

Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart. You may call it

melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my head, 'tis

pride. But why, why? Let him show us a cause. A word, my lord.

[Takes AGAMEMNON aside.]

NESTOR.:

What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?

ULYSSES.:

Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.

NESTOR.:

Who, Thersites?

ULYSSES.:

He.

NESTOR.:

Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument

ULYSSES.:

No; you see he is his argument that has his argument—

Achilles.

NESTOR.:

All the better; their fraction is more our wish than their

faction. But it was a strong composure a fool could disunite!

ULYSSES.:

The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.

[Re-enter PATROCLUS.]

Here comes Patroclus.:

NESTOR.:

No Achilles with him.

ULYSSES.:

The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy; his legs

are legs for necessity, not for flexure.

PATROCLUS.:

Achilles bids me say he is much sorry

If any thing more than your sport and pleasure

Did move your greatness and this noble state

To call upon him; he hopes it is no other

But for your health and your digestion sake,

An after-dinner's breath.

AGAMEMNON.:

Hear you, Patroclus.

We are too well acquainted with these answers;

But his evasion, wing'd thus swift with scorn,

Cannot outfly our apprehensions.

Much attribute he hath, and much the reason

Why we ascribe it to him. Yet all his virtues,

Not virtuously on his own part beheld,

Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss;

Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,

Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him

We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin

If you do say we think him over-proud

And under-honest, in self-assumption greater

Than in the note of judgment; and worthier than himself

Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,

Disguise the holy strength of their command,

And underwrite in an observing kind

His humorous predominance; yea, watch

His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if

The passage and whole carriage of this action

Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and ad

That if he overhold his price so much

We'll none of him, but let him, like an engine

Not portable, lie under this report:

Bring action hither; this cannot go to war.

A stirring dwarf we do allowance give

Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.

PATROCLUS.:

I shall, and bring his answer presently.

[Exit.]

AGAMEMNON.:

In second voice we'll not be satisfied;

We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.

[Exit ULYSSES.]

AJAX.:

What is he more than another?

AGAMEMNON.:

No more than what he thinks he is.

AJAX.:

Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better

man than I am?

AGAMEMNON.:

No question.

AJAX.:

Will you subscribe his thought and say he is?

AGAMEMNON.:

No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise,

no less noble, much more gentle, and altogether more tractable.

AJAX.:

Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I know not

what pride is.

AGAMEMNON.:

Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the

fairer. He that is proud eats up himself. Pride is his own glass,

his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and whatever praises itself

but in the deed devours the deed in the praise.

[Re-enter ULYSSES.]

AJAX.:

I do hate a proud man as I do hate the engend'ring of toads.

NESTOR.:

[Aside]

And yet he loves himself: is't not strange?

ULYSSES.:

Achilles will not to the field to-morrow.

AGAMEMNON.:

What's his excuse?

ULYSSES.:

He doth rely on none;

But carries on the stream of his dispose,

Without observance or respect of any,

In will peculiar and in self-admission.

AGAMEMNON.:

Why will he not, upon our fair request,

Untent his person and share the air with us?

ULYSSES.:

Things small as nothing, for request's sake only,

He makes important; possess'd he is with greatness,

And speaks not to himself but with a pride

That quarrels at self-breath. Imagin'd worth

Holds in his blood such swol'n and hot discourse

That 'twixt his mental and his active parts

Kingdom'd Achilles in commotion rages,

And batters down himself. What should I say?

He is so plaguy proud that the death tokens of it

Cry 'No recovery.'

AGAMEMNON.:

Let Ajax go to him.

Dear lord, go you and greet him in his tent.

'Tis said he holds you well; and will be led

At your request a little from himself.

ULYSSES.:

O Agamemnon, let it not be so!

We'll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes

When they go from Achilles. Shall the proud lord

That bastes his arrogance with his own seam

And never suffers matter of the world

Enter his thoughts, save such as doth revolve

And ruminate himself—shall he be worshipp'd

Of that we hold an idol more than he?

No, this thrice-worthy and right valiant lord

Shall not so stale his palm, nobly acquir'd,

Nor, by my will, assubjugate his merit,

As amply titled as Achilles is,

By going to Achilles.

That were to enlard his fat-already pride,

And add more coals to Cancer when he burns

With entertaining great Hyperion.

This lord go to him! Jupiter forbid,

And say in thunder 'Achilles go to him.'

NESTOR.:

[Aside.] O, this is well! He rubs the vein of him.

DIOMEDES.:

[Aside.] And how his silence drinks up this applause!

AJAX.:

If I go to him, with my armed fist I'll pash him o'er the

face.

AGAMEMNON.:

O, no, you shall not go.

AJAX.:

An 'a be proud with me I'll pheeze his pride.

Let me go to him.

ULYSSES.:

Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel.

AJAX.:

A paltry, insolent fellow!

NESTOR.:

[Aside.] How he describes himself!

AJAX.:

Can he not be sociable?

ULYSSES.:

[Aside.] The raven chides blackness.

AJAX.:

I'll let his humours blood.

AGAMEMNON.:

[Aside.] He will be the physician that should be the patient.

AJAX.:

An all men were a my mind—

ULYSSES.:

[Aside.] Wit would be out of fashion.

AJAX.:

'A should not bear it so, 'a should eat's words first.

Shall pride carry it?

NESTOR.:

[Aside.] An 'twould, you'd carry half.

ULYSSES.:

[Aside.] 'A would have ten shares.

AJAX.:

I will knead him, I'll make him supple.

NESTOR.:

[Aside.] He's not yet through warm. Force him with praises;

pour in, pour in; his ambition is dry.

ULYSSES.:

[To AGAMEMNON.] My lord, you feed too much on this dislike.

NESTOR.:

Our noble general, do not do so.

DIOMEDES.:

You must prepare to fight without Achilles.

ULYSSES.:

Why 'tis this naming of him does him harm.

Here is a man-but 'tis before his face;

I will be silent.

NESTOR.:

Wherefore should you so?

He is not emulous, as Achilles is.

ULYSSES.:

Know the whole world, he is as valiant.

AJAX.:

A whoreson dog, that shall palter with us thus!

Would he were a Troyan!

NESTOR.:

What a vice were it in Ajax now—

ULYSSES.:

If he were proud.

DIOMEDES.:

Or covetous of praise.

ULYSSES.:

Ay, or surly borne.

DIOMEDES.:

Or strange, or self-affected.

ULYSSES.:

Thank the heavens, lord, thou art of sweet composure

Praise him that gat thee, she that gave thee suck;

Fam'd be thy tutor, and thy parts of nature

Thrice-fam'd beyond, beyond all erudition;

But he that disciplin'd thine arms to fight—

Let Mars divide eternity in twain

And give him half; and, for thy vigour,

Bull-bearing Milo his addition yield

To sinewy Ajax. I will not praise thy wisdom,

Which, like a bourn, a pale, a shore, confines

Thy spacious and dilated parts. Here's Nestor,

Instructed by the antiquary times—

He must, he is, he cannot but be wise;

But pardon, father Nestor, were your days

As green as Ajax' and your brain so temper'd,

You should not have the eminence of him,

But be as Ajax.

AJAX.:

Shall I call you father?

NESTOR.:

Ay, my good son.

DIOMEDES.:

Be rul'd by him, Lord Ajax.

ULYSSES.:

There is no tarrying here; the hart Achilles

Keeps thicket. Please it our great general

To call together all his state of war;

Fresh kings are come to Troy. To-morrow

We must with all our main of power stand fast;

And here's a lord—come knights from east to west

And cull their flower, Ajax shall cope the best.

AGAMEMNON.:

Go we to council. Let Achilles sleep.

Light boats sail swift, though greater hulks draw deep.

[Exeunt.]