Act IV, Scene ii

OLIVIA'S house.

[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]

MARIA:

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe

thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I 'll call Sir Toby

the whilst.

[Exit.]

CLOWN:

Well, I 'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in 't; and I

would I were the first that ever dissembl'd in such a gown. I am

not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to

be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a

good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a

great scholar. The competitors enter.

[Enter SIR TOBY and MARIA.]

SIR TOBY:

Jove bless thee, master parson!

CLOWN:

Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that

never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to niece of King

Gorboduc, 'That that is is'; so I, being master parson, am master

parson; for, what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

SIR TOBY:

To him, Sir Topas.

CLOWN:

What, ho, I say, peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY:

The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO:

[Within] Who calls there?

CLOWN:

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

MALVOLIO:

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

CLOWN:

Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou

nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY:

Well said, master parson.

MALVOLIO:

Sir Topas, never was man thus wrong'd; good Sir Topas, do not

think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.

CLOWN:

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms;

for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself

with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO:

As hell, Sir Topas.

CLOWN:

Why, it hath bay-windows transparent as barricadoes, and the

clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and

yet complainest thou of obstruction?

MALVOLIO:

I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you, this house is dark.

CLOWN:

Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance;

in which thou art more puzzl'd than the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO:

I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were

as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abus'd. I am

no more mad than you are; make the trial of it in any constant

question.

CLOWN:

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

MALVOLIO:

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

CLOWN:

What think'st thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO:

I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

CLOWN:

Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness; thou shalt hold

th' opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear

to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy

grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO:

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY:

My most exquisite Sir Topas!

CLOWN:

Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA:

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown; he sees

thee not.

SIR TOBY:

To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find'st

him; I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be

conveniently deliver'd, I would he were, for I am now so far in

offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this

sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.]

CLOWN:

[Singing] Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.

MALVOLIO:

Fool,—

CLOWN:

My lady is unkind, perdy.

MALVOLIO:

Fool,—

CLOWN:

Alas, why is she so?

MALVOLIO:

Fool, I say,—

CLOWN:

She loves another—Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO:

Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to

a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a gentleman, I will

live to be thankful to thee for't.

CLOWN:

Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO:

Ay, good fool.

CLOWN:

Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO:

Fool, there was never man so notoriously abus'd; I am as well in

my wits, fool, as thou art.

CLOWN:

But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your

wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO:

They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers

to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

CLOWN:

Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio,

Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to

sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.

MALVOLIO:

Sir Topas!

CLOWN:

Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir.

God be wi' you, good Sir Topas! Marry, amen. I will, sir, I

will.

MALVOLIO:

Fool, fool, fool, I say!

CLOWN:

Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking

to you.

MALVOLIO:

Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee, I

am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

CLOWN:

Well-a-day that you were, sir!

MALVOLIO:

By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light; and

convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee

more than ever the bearing of letter did.

CLOWN:

I will help you to 't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed,

or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO:

Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

CLOWN:

Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will

fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO:

Fool, I 'll requite it in the highest degree; I prithee, be gone.

CLOWN:

[Singing]

I am gone, sir,

And anon, sir,

I 'll be with you again,

In a trice,

Like to the old Vice,

Your need to sustain;

Who, with dagger of lath,

In his rage and his wrath,

Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:

Like a mad lad,

Pare thy nails, dad;

Adieu, goodman devil.

[Exit.]