Act II, Scene iii:
OLIVIA'S house

[Enter SIR TOBY and SIR ANDREW.]

SIR TOBY:

Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be a-bed after midnight is to be up

betimes; and 'diluculo surgere,' thou know'st—

SIR ANDREW:

Nay, by my troth, I know not; but I know, to be up late is to be

up late.

SIR TOBY:

A false conclusion; I hate it as an unfill'd can. To be up after

midnight, and to go to bed then, is early; so that to go to bed

after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not our life

consist of the four elements?

SIR ANDREW:

Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists of eating and

drinking.

SIR TOBY:

Thou 'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink. Marian, I

say! a stoup of wine!

[Enter CLOWN.]

SIR ANDREW:

Here comes the fool, i' faith.

CLOWN:

How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture of 'We Three'?

SIR TOBY:

Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.

SIR ANDREW:

By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than

forty shillings I had such a leg, and so sweet a breath to sing,

as the fool has. In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling

last night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians

passing the equinoctial of Queubus; 't was very good, i' faith. I

sent thee sixpence for thy leman; hadst it?

CLOWN:

I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose is no

whipstock; my lady has a white hand, and the Myrmidons are no

bottle-ale houses.

SIR ANDREW:

Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all is done. Now,

a song.

SIR TOBY:

Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.

SIR ANDREW:

There's a testril of me too. If one knight give a—

CLOWN:

Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

SIR TOBY:

A love-song, a love-song.

SIR ANDREW:

Ay, ay; I care not for good life.

CLOWN:

[Sings.]

O mistress mine, where are you roaming?

O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,

That can sing both high and low:

Trip no further, pretty sweeting;

Journeys end in lovers meeting,

Every wise man's son doth know.

SIR ANDREW:

Excellent good, i' faith.

SIR TOBY:

Good, good.

CLOWN:

[Sings.]

What is love? 'T is not hereafter;

Present mirth hath present laughter;

What's to come is still unsure.

In delay there lies no plenty,

Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,

Youth's a stuff will not endure.

SIR ANDREW:

A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

SIR TOBY:

A contagious breath.

SIR ANDREW:

Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.

SIR TOBY:

To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make

the welkin dance indeed? shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch

that will draw three souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?

SIR ANDREW:

And you love me, let's do 't; I am dog at a catch.

CLOWN:

By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.

SIR ANDREW:

Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'

CLOWN:

'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be constrain'd in

't to call thee knave, knight.

SIR ANDREW:

'Tis not the first time I have constrain'd one to call me knave.

Begin, fool: it begins, 'Hold thy peace.'

CLOWN:

I shall never begin, if I hold my peace.

SIR ANDREW:

Good, i' faith! Come, begin.

[Catch sung.]

[Enter MARIA.]

MARIA:

What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not call'd

up her steward Malvolio, and bid him turn you out of doors,

never trust me.

SIR TOBY:

My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's a

Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.'

Am not I consanguineous? am I not of her blood? Tilly-vally;

lady![Sings.]'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'

CLOWN:

Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.

SIR ANDREW:

Ay, he does well enough if he be dispos'd, and so do I too; he

does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.

SIR TOBY:

[Sings]

'O, the twelfth day of December,'—

MARIA:

For the love o' God, peace!

[Enter MALVOLIO.]

MALVOLIO:

My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have you no wit,

manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of

night? Do ye make an alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak

out your coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse of

voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time, in you?

SIR TOBY:

We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!

MALVOLIO:

Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you

that, though she harbours you as her kins-man, she's nothing

allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your

misdemeanours, you are welcome to the house; if not, and it would

please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid you

farewell.

SIR TOBY:

'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'

MARIA:

Nay, good Sir Toby.

CLOWN:

'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'

MALVOLIO:

Is 't even so?

SIR TOBY:

'But I will never die.'

CLOWN:

Sir Toby, there you lie.

MALVOLIO:

This is much credit to you.

SIR TOBY:

'Shall I bid him go?'

CLOWN:

'What and if you do?'

SIR TOBY:

'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'

CLOWN:

'O, no, no, no, no, you dare not.'

SIR TOBY:

Out o' tune, sir? ye lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou

think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes

and ale?

CLOWN:

Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' th' mouth too.

SIR TOBY:

Th 'rt i' th' right. Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. A

stoup of wine, Maria!

MALVOLIO:

Mistress Mary, if you priz'd my lady's favour at any thing more

than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule.

She shall know of it, by this hand.

[Exit.]

MARIA:

Go shake your ears.

SIR ANDREW:

'T were as good a deed as to drink when a man's a-hungry, to

challenge him the field, and then to break promise with him and

make a fool of him.

SIR TOBY:

Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge; or I'll deliver thy

indignation to him by word of mouth.

MARIA:

Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for to-night; since the youth of the

count's was to-day with my lady, she is much out of quiet. For

Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him; if I do not gull him

into a nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I

have wit enough to lie straight in my bed: I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY:

Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.

MARIA:

Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

SIR ANDREW:

O, if I thought that, I'd beat him like a dog!

SIR TOBY:

What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason, dear knight?

SIR ANDREW:

I have no exquisite reason for 't, but I have reason good enough.

MARIA:

The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing constantly, but a

time-pleaser; an affection'd ass, that cons state without book,

and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of himself, so

cramm'd, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds

of faith that all that look on him love him; and on that vice in

him will my revenge find notable cause to work.

SIR TOBY:

What wilt thou do?

MARIA:

I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love; wherein, by

the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his

gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and

complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I

can write very like my lady, your niece; on a forgotten matter we

can hardly make distinction of our hands.

SIR TOBY:

Excellent! I smell a device.

SIR ANDREW:

I have 't in my nose too.

SIR TOBY:

He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they

come from my niece, and that she's in love with him.

MARIA:

My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.

SIR ANDREW:

And your horse now would make him an ass.

MARIA:

Ass, I doubt not.

SIR ANDREW:

O, 't will be admirable!

MARIA:

Sport royal, I warrant you; I know my physic will work with him.

I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he

shall find the letter; observe his construction of it. For

this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.

[Exit.]

SIR TOBY:

Good night, Penthesilea.

SIR ANDREW:

Before me, she's a good wench.

SIR TOBY:

She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me. What o' that?

SIR ANDREW:

I was ador'd once too.

SIR TOBY:

Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money.

SIR ANDREW:

If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

SIR TOBY:

Send for money, knight; if thou hast her not i' th' end, call me

cut.

SIR ANDREW:

If I do not, never trust me; take it how you will.

SIR TOBY:

Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 't is too late to go to bed

now. Come, knight; come, knight.

[Exeunt.]