Act II, Scene v:
5. The same. A street

[Enter SPEED and LAUNCE.]

SPEED:

Launce! by mine honesty, welcome to Milan!

LAUNCE:

Forswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not welcome. I

reckon this always, that a man is never undone till he be hanged,

nor never welcome to a place till some certain shot be paid, and

the hostess say 'Welcome!'

SPEED:

Come on, you madcap; I'll to the alehouse with you

presently; where, for one shot of five pence, thou shalt have

five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how did thy master part with

Madam Julia?

LAUNCE:

Marry, after they clos'd in earnest, they parted very

fairly in jest.

SPEED:

But shall she marry him?

LAUNCE:

No.

SPEED:

How then? Shall he marry her?

LAUNCE:

No, neither.

SPEED:

What, are they broken?

LAUNCE:

No, they are both as whole as a fish.

SPEED:

Why then, how stands the matter with them?

LAUNCE:

Marry, thus: when it stands well with him, it stands well

with her.

SPEED:

What an ass art thou! I understand thee not.

LAUNCE:

What a block art thou that thou canst not! My staff

understands me.

SPEED:

What thou sayest?

LAUNCE:

Ay, and what I do too; look thee, I'll but lean, and my

staff understands me.

SPEED:

It stands under thee, indeed.

LAUNCE:

Why, stand-under and under-stand is all one.

SPEED:

But tell me true, will't be a match?

LAUNCE:

Ask my dog. If he say ay, it will; if he say no, it will; if

he shake his tail and say nothing, it will.

SPEED:

The conclusion is, then, that it will.

LAUNCE:

Thou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a

parable.

SPEED:

'Tis well that I get it so. But, Launce, how sayest thou

that my master is become a notable lover?

LAUNCE:

I never knew him otherwise.

SPEED:

Than how?

LAUNCE:

A notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be.

SPEED:

Why, thou whoreson ass, thou mistak'st me.

LAUNCE:

Why, fool, I meant not thee, I meant thy master.

SPEED:

I tell thee my master is become a hot lover.

LAUNCE:

Why, I tell thee I care not though he burn himself in love.

If thou wilt, go with me to the alehouse; if not, thou art an

Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the name of a Christian.

SPEED:

Why?

LAUNCE:

Because thou hast not so much charity in thee as to go to

the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go?

SPEED:

At thy service.

[Exeunt.]